Beberapa bulan lalu, saya dan suami menghadapi meltdown terparah saya sejauh ini. Akumulasi emosi yang sudah overwhelmed sejak akhir bulan April, ditambah kenekatan saya untuk skip obat-obatan.
Saya marah, yang dipicu oleh ketidakmampuan fisik saya mengeluarkan sebuah kardus dari bawah kolong tempat tidur kamar belakang.
Saya mengamuk.
Suami saya mengamuk.
Saya menangis sejadi-jadinya hingga kepala, telinga, dan tenggorokan saya sakit.
Dada saya terasa sesak.
Seandainya saya memiliki rekaman CCTV-nya, I will gladly let you see how everything you see from February 1st is only a facade and it’s finally cracked.
You might see me laugh, and joke, and nod, and smile when people tell me I look better than their expectation, I look stronger even with what I’m going through.
You have no idea that I put on masks so you could feel normal around me. I did it for your own sake and comfort.
Because God knows what will happen if you see me screaming, crying, hurling luggage, kicking boxes, throwing punches, and pushing my husband away.
There’s an invisible rope of grief and anger tying me down by the throat.
It's like the rope bringing my body to the floor.
I couldn’t see clearly, but I tried looking for my husband’s eyes as I whisper, “Tolong, adek mau mati aja,” over and over and over.
I can feel his tired eyes, gazing me.
I have no idea that human body could produce that much of tears.
It might be hours, it might be just minutes, but the time I spent laying there on the floor, feels like eternity. I keep closing and opening my eyes, hoping to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping to see my dearest son’s face again. Hoping to see someone caress my head and said, “It is tiring, but you’re here now…”
Nothing could end this pain and hardships instantly other than dead. It is not an option, I know, but I finally, dare I say, understand how painful and heart-shattering life must be for those who chose the path. I know how devastating it feels to admit to your loved ones, that you’re scared you’ll choose the same path.
I'm fine now.
As I wrote this piece, I'm in a better condition, with a better medication (and no skipping). I have decided to not ending my life the way I wanted.
Although it’s a never-ending parade of sorrow here in my head, please don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for yourself if your tiny little head think some people facing hardships because they must did something bad in their life.
I have my own party to feel sorry for mine.
